This is Steve Ryan. I totally can understand and relate to grief and tragedy. Sometimes it’s hard to bring up grief because I don’t want to spoil someone else’s day or put them in a bad mood. And sometimes, I know it's hard for people to know what to say when someone shares grief or tragedy with them. I know people recommend therapists and counselors, but sometimes that option is not always readily available in the exact moment that it’s needed. Sometimes people just want someone to vent to. I’m speaking from my own experience. It’s up to you to decide what it means to you.
For those who may not know, one of my brothers was murdered in March of 2022. He was murdered by his wife because he wanted a divorce and her attitude based on what some people witnessed months before was, the only way the marriage would be over is if one of them was dead. My brother was partially disabled because he had a stroke, so one side of his body didn’t work. He was a convicted felon, but he did his time and he had been out of prison for a while and started his own business and made a living from that. Why couldn’t they just divorce? She actually had a boyfriend and my brother had a girlfriend, so why not just divorce. Now, I’m not a judge of what people do in their own personal relationships. However, she didn’t have the right to murder him in cold blood. She feels absolutely no remorse. She had tried to shoot him 5 days prior as well and the gun did not go off. There was a police report done on it. She admitted to her boyfriend during a jail phone call (this was said in court) and she admitted to others that my brother was not attacking her or anything. And to add insult to injury, 2 of my brother's kids were there waiting for him to take them to daycare and school.
I’m so upset and pissed, and frustrated, because she could have just divorced him. She didn’t have to take his life. She didn’t have to take away his right to live. It doesn’t matter what his history was. If he had did a crime many years ago that deserved the death penalty based on law, then the government would have killed him. He served his time. I was at her bond hearing and her attorney brought up his record and it obviously worked because the judge let her go on house arrest while awaiting trial. She was indicted recently by a grand jury for felony county of murder and malicous malice murder. That’s what I was told by the district attorney’s office.
She has a son who has written a lot of nasty stuff on social media, saying that our side of the family can go to you know where. Recently he showed up to my mother’s home and apologized to her for things that he said. However earlier that same day, he dragged my name in the mud to one of my nieces. I know he hated my brother, many people have said so. However, he could have had the decency to just leave us be and not be hateful toward a grieving family. And on top of that, there was a battle, my brother’s killer wanted him cremated out of spite but we wanted him buried. His oldest child over 18 was able to get him buried.
Seeing him lying there in that casket was one of the hardest things I ever had to witness. The only thing that compares to that is when I watched my father take his last breath and die in front of me. That’s the only thing that compares to that. I don’t know if I will ever get over this. I’ve just learned to manage it, deal with it, and try my best to be happy without feeling guilty. The pain inside is immeasurable and it’s no words that I can say or that anyone can say that will make me feel better. I just try my best to not be sad.
It’s really hard some days because I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to think about what’s going on, I just want to focus on living and moving forward. Most days, I’m ok. But then other times, it just hits me out of the blue, especially when my mother is having a rough day about it.
What sucks the most is that there is absolutely nothing that can be done about this. Even when she gets convicted, which she will, I feel strong about that, it still won’t bring him back. He still will be lying in the ground and not able to see his young kids grow up.
We just got to the point of accepting my father’s death, and then this happening is just too much to process. I hope that sharing this helps someone get through what they are going through.
I take things one day at a time and really try to focus on living. It’s just so hard sometimes. I try to pretend that they are still here. Maybe I’m in denial, I don’t know. I just know death sucks. That’s how I feel. I don’t want to keep talking about this over and over, so I’m writing this to get this out of my system. So that I can focus on healing. And taking things one day at a time. This just doesn’t seem real. It just doesn’t.
I really found out who was there for me and who wasn’t. There was some people in my life who absolutely were not supportive at all. That’s their choice, it’s ok. I remember all the times that I’ve helped them with things and when we did a go fund me to try to help pay for my brother’s funeral, many of those people were silent, did nothing. These are people who spend tons of money on frivolous things and even though its their right to do that, it still hurts. I mean, even a 1 dollar contribution would have made a statement. The community that I’m most mad at was my so-called friends who are in the Recording Academy. There was a group of people there who always wanted my support every year and they sent me their FYC to consider voting for their songs. What gets me is that some of these people have been so fake with me and tell me that they are there to support me. But yet when I reached out one on one to some of these people about the go fund me, they treated me like I was spamming them. That pissed me off more than anything. Especially the ones who acted like they were my friends. It was either that or the silent treatment. When any other time, they immediately respond. I’m not saying everyone is like that, it was just a few and that was my experience.
We still owe the funeral home and we also have to raise money to get his headstone. I’m not stressed about it. The money that we have received, has at least cut down some of what is owed. We are also waiting on the victims assistance fund, but I was informed by the funeral home that when they do a background check on my brother, they may choose to deny. I’m thinking WTF. This man was killed, murdered in cold blood. And because of his history as a convicted felon, they would deny assistance? Even when he wasn’t on probation, he had been out of prison for a while and haven’t been in trouble since. What kind of world do we live in, where this is ignoring someone’s humanity. What kind of world is this. Like really.
I know some people have told me they don’t know what to say to me. I don’t need anyone to say anything special. Just treat me normal. Be a decent human being. I’m not a walking sad person on a regular basis. I like being happy. I like feeling motivated most of the time. These sad moments hit me here and there.
The lesson learned with this that I would share with anyone is to live your life. Set your boundaries. It’s been my experience that there are people who are genuine and are supportive and then another spectrum of people who are full of crap. The onus is on us to be happy.
I’m still a good person that likes to help people, but I can tell you my heart has hardened some. If someone doesn’t want to be supportive of me, not so much about money but just as a human, I’m not as inclined now to be supportive of them. I didn’t want to become this way. It doesn’t mean that I won’t help someone if it moves my spirit. But if someone comes to me and asks for help, I’m not as inclined to want to help. It’s become white noise to me. Because I think about how I felt asking people to help donate to a funeral, when I never asked people for things and how cold they were. That really opened up my eyes. I do believe in humanity, but its going to take me some time before I trust humanity. I realize that a part of me is angry and that’s fueling how I feel.
This feels good writing this now. I’m going to share every single word of this because this is a letter to the universe. This is a letter to the world and to myself. I will find a way to cope with my brother’s death in time. I will find a way to cope with my father’s death in time. I hope my mother survives this. She’s not doing well although she’s trying. I don’t want to imagine her not here. I have another brother as well and he is trying to cope as best as he can by being a good father to his kids and trying his best to be strong through this as well. I have a sister who is helping my mother on a regular basis, so that’s a good thing. They are good for each other.
I do want to get back to music, I just don’t feel like it. Everything that I’m writing now is sad. Everything that I’m writing now is pain. Everything that I’m writing now is all about lost and tragedy. Who knows if these songs will ever get released to the world. I will just take things one day at a time and trust that eventually it will get to a better solid place.
I don’t know where I’m going with this but just wanted to get this out. Much love to you and thank you for listening. I didn’t care about editing this article, I just wanted to vent. It is what it is. Thank you for reading.
